The Internet's Most Dangerous People

Hertling Design

 

Theresa Hertling is the first human to be genetically altered so she can live comfortably while moving at 600 miles per hour. Embedded with the experimental XF-113 Multitasking Chip, Theresa can successfully complete 43 tasks at the same time. In fact, she finds it easier to draw her conversations than speak them. Her most recent framed conversation (an attempt to decide what to eat for dinner with her husband) recently sold on eBay for $22,000.

 

Theresa illustrated the cover for Coldwater, and is hard at work designing the cover for Sketch.

Brad Perri's "Pirate Mike the Maladjusted Suburbanite"

 

Brad Perri was found naked and babbling in a Chicago alleyway in early 1991. He kept saying "Leviathan reaches for us" over and over again. Years later, Perri produced a work titled "Believe Me When I Tell You I Am Now Lying" in which he attempted to describe the circumstances which led to that fateful day in 1991. The explanation was lacking, though, due to either Perri's black-out drunken state or the fact that he was beaten about the head and shoulders with a frozen waffle iron. Or both.

 

Currently, Brad works out his inner demons in the form of online comic strips. His most recent, Pirate Mike, has gained in popularity since day one. If you like to laugh, you should check it out. If you don't like to laugh, the humor of knock-knock jokes must be a painful mystery to you.

 

Rick Nair

 

Rick Nair trademarked the phrase "aggressive veganism" in 1997 and has lived on the royalties since. Rick refuses to acknowledge that he named both of his sons "Rick." He perpetuates the fraud by referring to them as Jude and Dimitri. When he is not cosplaying "The King" (Burger King's horrifying mascot), Rick fills the time by playing the drums and writing Internet marketing content. Once, on a dare, he attempted to do all three. The National Guard is still attempting to unravel the chaos that ensued.

 

 

 

Shale Nelson

 

Most of what we know about Shale Nelson is lies. He was never convicted of tax evasion in Guam. He did not write "Like a Virgin" for Madonna in 1985. He did not suggest to Ray Croc that he should open a burger joint. He did not create The Simpsons. He cannot kill a man with his mind. He did not trademark the phrase "aggressive veganism." What we do know is shrouded in mystery and half-truths.

 

Shale knows the five-finger death touch. Shale can hold his breath for seven minutes. Shale was born with six fingers on his right hand, but he donated one to science. This is a man to be avoided at all costs. And if he turns his attention to you, it is wise to run.

Brian Hogenson

 

Brian's seminal work, "The 13 Berries of Wisdom" has been translated into more than 25 languages. Most importantly, however, the 5,000 page tome has been translated into Fafnerian . . a language wholly developed by Brian. He believes it to be the "language of the trees." No one has yet to provide conclusive truth that Brian cannot, in fact, speak to trees.

 

An exerpt: "The seventh berry is called yangmei. Myrica rubra, native to subtropical climates, is a dark purple-red, edible fruit. It is said that those who eat a bowl of yangmei each night for 10 nights will gain the second sight. There is a tale of one man who rubbed yangmei berries all over a small statue of a squirrel. The next morning, the statue was gone, and the evidence of tiny footprints showed the statue had simply stood up and walked away."

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